Helping your loved one make a successful transition to a dementia care community is one of the most loving and important gifts you can give. Once you've found an excellent memory care community with a knowledgeable and compassionate staff, then it's time to plan for the actual move. How you accomplish this will depend in part on your loved one's personality and how far the dementia has progressed.
Some dementia experts say that those in the earlier stages of dementia may more easily adjust because their cognitive skills are higher and they can better understand what is happening. If you think your loved one will adjust better if she's part of the planning and moving process, then you may be able to gradually transition to a dementia care community. Set up an appointment to have lunch at your chosen community and ask staff to join you for a friendly lunch; or ask staff to invite one or two other residents who are social and happy to join you for lunch. Talk up what a nice place this is, and how fun it would be to live here or spend more time here with these nice people. Then, after several visits, let mom know that there's a really nice room there where she can stay for awhile.
However, many dementia sufferers lose the ability to make important life decisions and will never choose to leave their home. In this case, the best approach to minimize trauma or negative emotions is to make the move as smooth and fast as possible Speak with the memory care staff for suggestions and find out about their transition program. Move familiar items to dad's room ahead of time, such as his favorite comfy chair, family photos and important mementos. Then, when you arrive with dad to the dementia care community, tell him a "loving lie" and explain that you're going out of town and this is a nice place for him to stay; or say that his home needs some repairs so you've found him a really comfortable room to stay in. Be positive and happy, and don't let your own stress or sadness seep into your tone. And remember, nobody wants to lie to their loved one, but these loving lies are intended to make the move easier and less harmful for dad or mom.
You may need to stay away for awhile until mom begins to adjust. Keep in touch with the staff, and once they think she's ready, go for a visit, but keep it short and positive. Mom will probably ask repeatedly when she's going home. Don't tell her that this is where she lives now. Instead redirect the conversation and ask her about new activities, friends, what she had for lunch, how pretty her hair looks, etc. If mom gets overly agitated and insists on going home, reach out to staff for help in diverting her attention, or tell her that you have to run an errand and will be back soon. Don't feel guilty about leaving, because the truth is that mom will likely forget that you visited shortly after you leave. If memory care staff tell you that your visits agitate mom, it might be best to wait a little longer to help her settle in and adjust to the new living arrangements.
Moving your loved one to a high-quality dementia care community is a loving decision that ensures mom or dad gets the necessary skilled, round-the-clock care, in a safe and secure setting. What helped your loved one make the transition to a memory care community?
